The Return of MASH
by pandagal
Summary: I'm back again to play MASH with some new characters and some familar ones. Who could it be? You have to read to find out!
1. AnaMaria

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC but I do own the their futures in MASH.  
  
A/N: Sorry it took a while for the sequel. Been busy doing other things. I got some new people that are going to be MASH and there might be some familiar faces. So enjoy!  
  
~Five Months Later~  
  
Will's and Elizabeth's wedding was so beautiful. Instead of being a maid of honor that I wanted, I got to be a bridesmaid. It didn't matter, though, it was my friend's wedding and I appreciated the fact I had some part in it. After the wedding, I ran into AnaMaria.  
  
It had been a while since I last saw her and we got a chance to catch up. The idea of M-A-S-Hing her didn't occur to me until Norrington was bragging about how he was going to marry Britney Spears.  
  
AnaMaria was staying at the local lodge and so I paid her a visit with some paper at my side.  
  
"Hi AnaMaria!" I greeted.  
  
"Hello Heather. What are you carrying?" she asked.  
  
I patted my notebook and grinned.  
  
"Oh I know. Jack told me you M-A-S-H him and he was going to marry his hat. I thought how true that is since he never takes that damn hat off!"  
  
I laughed. "So do you want to be M-A-S-H? I have plenty of paper."  
  
She thought about it for a moment. "Why not? I'm kind of curious how me future would be."  
  
Sitting on her bed (I already had the topics made out in advance!) I began to tell her the rules of the game. When I was finished, I told her the first thing: Boys names.  
  
"Shooter," she said first (A/N: If you're old enough to read rated 'R' stories in my Lost In Time there was small part about AnaMaria marrying Shooter and tells a little about their history.)  
  
"Two more," I told her.  
  
"Thomas and Jack, I guess."  
  
"Who's Thomas?"  
  
She sighed. "He's a lad I like when I was younger. He's still cute now."  
  
"Next is wedding."  
  
"A ship for sure and to be a good Christian woman a church as well."  
  
"One more."  
  
"I don't know anywhere else to be married in."  
  
"How about by Elvis in Las Vegas? That's very popular."  
  
"Is that something people do in the future?"  
  
I nodded. "Not all but if you're a big fan of The King then it's a dream come true."  
  
She shrugged. "Okay I guess."  
  
"Next is your dress color."  
  
"White and I did see this pale green material in one of the shops I liked. I think it would be good for a shirt but a dress would fit it also. And cream, it was the color of me mum's dress."  
  
"Okay. Now tux color."  
  
"Black for sure. Hmmm. Perhaps Gray and I can't think of any other dark color that'll go."  
  
I thought I might try for the hot pink again. It was so funny when Will believed that other grooms actually wear it.  
  
"Hot pink!" I suggested.  
  
"Hot pink? What kind of guy would wear pink for a wedding?"  
  
"Will would have until I stopped him."  
  
"Oh," she paused. "Maybe then."  
  
"Next is type of transportation."  
  
"I would really like me boat back except that Jack stole it and lost."  
  
I stopped writing. Apparently she didn't know it sunk and at first I felt obliged to tell her the truth since she's a friend, but I would have felt bad for Jack to feel her wrath. So, I decided to let it go.  
  
"That Interceptor was a mighty fine ship if it only didn't sink by Barbossa."  
  
"I need one more AnaMaria."  
  
"What would you get?"  
  
"Me? I always wanted a Convertible."  
  
"Then write it done."  
  
"What color?"  
  
AnaMaria told me she wanted brown, black, and red for the colors.  
  
"How many kids?"  
  
"Two, three, and six."  
  
"Budget."  
  
"Could I pick any amount?"  
  
"Any amount that you want."  
  
"Okay then, I want 4000, 10 million, and 10 billion!" she cried.  
  
"Pet."  
  
"Parrots are good to have. And cats are me favorite animals and a kitten too."  
  
"Job for yourself."  
  
"First mate, captain, and admiral. I'll show those men that a woman can lead any fleet as good as them!"  
  
"Cool! Now hubby's job."  
  
"I want him to either stay at home, merchant, or be a sailor."  
  
"Now, no matter who I tell this to I always get the same reaction. Except for Jack who was willing to talk about it. Sex life."  
  
"Wild, satisfying, and comfortable."  
  
"Last one. When you found out that Jack stole your boat, was there anything you wanted to do to him?" I asked innocently.  
  
"Damn right! I would have strangled him. Then I would have kill him, brought him back, and killed him all over again. Then if that wasn't enough, I would have blown his brains out!"  
  
I gulped. For some reason, I believed she could do that.  
  
I started the counting and she called stop after I made the 10th mark. I got to it and after a few counting over to make sure it was correct, I read them off:  
  
"AnaMaria, you're going to live in a mansion, marry Shooter, wedding is on a ship, dress color is pale green, tux is hot pink, car equals Interceptor, color is black, you're going to have 3 kids, budget is $10 million, parrot, Admiral, merchant for hubby, sex life is satisfying, and you would have strangled Jack."  
  
"I like this a lot. In fact, I got almost everything I wanted for, except the hot pink for a tux. Do men really wear that?"  
  
I laughed at her expression. Sometimes it can be too easy.  
  
TBC....................................  
  
In the next chapter . . . . Governor Swann! See how nuts he is over his wig! Until next time, REVIEW! 


	2. Governor Swann

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own POTC. *Tear * But if I did, then I'll be one happy lass, savvy?  
  
A/N: Here it is people! Governor Swann. The Swann man is getting MASH by me and only me! Muhawawa! Enough of me babbling.  
  
After chatting with Ana for a couple more hours, I decided to head over to the mansion. I promised Liz earlier today to stay over and help out with a party she's planning to throw for her father. (A/N: How sweet!) It was easy to do since most of the guests from the wedding were staying for an extra few days and the next day was the party.  
  
I was approaching the mansion when I saw Jack staggering all over the place. Running to him, I happen to catch him before he fell. The scent of rum was heavy on his breath and I felt like I was going to throw up.  
  
"Thanks Heather," he said sheepishly.  
  
"No problem. Jack what in the world are you doing?"  
  
"Dunno. I was heading to me Pearl but I think I took a wrong turn."  
  
"No fooling," I muttered. "Jack, you're in no condition to go to the docks. C'mon maybe Liz has an extra room for you."  
  
I helped carry Jack to the door. Man was he heavy!  
  
We got in and was greeted by Will.  
  
"Hi guys! Jack what are you doing here?"  
  
"He's drunk," I explained. "He was on his way to the docks but luckily his directions were little messed up. Do you guys have any extra rooms for him?"  
  
"I'm not sure Heather. We still have some guests from the wedding that are still staying, but let me check with Elizabeth."  
  
Will ran off to find his wife, while I stood there holding unto to Jack.  
  
After what it felt like hours, Will returned with Elizabeth.  
  
"This is not good," she said.  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"We have no extra rooms for Jack. I'm afraid he has to stay with you Heather."  
  
I sighed. "Okay, but Will could you carry him? He's too heavy!"  
  
~My Room~  
  
Thankfully, my room had a couch so Will laid Jack on it. I had the bed to myself. Normally I wouldn't mind sharing but he was drunk and I didn't want him to push me off the bed in his state.  
  
Taking of my shoes, I lie down and fell fast asleep. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day and I hoped the Governor like my gifts.  
  
~Morning~  
  
When I woke up, there was a figure standing over me. I jumped.  
  
"Easy luv. It's Ol'Jack," Jack said.  
  
"Jack! What the hell are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack!"  
  
He laughed. "No Heather, I'm sorry for startling you. I wanted to know why I'm here and not me Pearl."  
  
"You were drunk and in no condition to go to the Pearl. Besides, you might fall into the water and drowned," I explained.  
  
"Oh." Jack rubbed his chin. "Is today the Governor's birthday?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Wonderful! More rum!" he cheered.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever Jack. Could you leave so I can get dressed?"  
  
"Yer not embarrassed to be seen by me," he smirked.  
  
"Well since you are older than me, it's awkward so leave Jack. Please."  
  
He sighed. "Yer no fun luv. See ye down for breakfast." He walked out the room leaving me in privacy.  
  
~Party Time~  
  
It was later and everything was set for the party. Liz made me wear a dress for the party. I'm not into wearing dresses but the one Liz chose for me looked really well on me.  
  
I chatted with the guests and after growing a little bored, I decided to give part one of my gifts to the Governor.  
  
He was by his daughter. I came up to them and wished the Governor a very happy birthday.  
  
"Why thank you Heather!" he said.  
  
I smiled. "Some party, heh?"  
  
They both nodded.  
  
"Well, Governor Swann if you wish, I would like to give you one of my gifts early."  
  
"Really? Splendid!"  
  
"Liz if you please," I asked politely.  
  
"Sure." She left to find her husband.  
  
"If you could follow me Governor," I said as I moved to the study.  
  
We went inside and after he took a seat, I sat across from him and whipped out my notebook.  
  
"What's that?" the Governor asked alarmed.  
  
"This is what I call M-A-S-H. This is the first part of my gift to you."  
  
"Is that the thing you did to Elizabeth and Will?"  
  
"And Norrington and Jack and AnaMaria," I said.  
  
"Why not? It sounded like fun!" he said.  
  
I quickly went over the rules with him. After I was done explaining, I made out the topics.  
  
"Okay sir, names for wives."  
  
"Well, Mary first of all. She was Elizabeth's mother. God I miss her," he said sadly. (A/N: Don't sure if what her mom's name is and if she's dead or not. But since in the movie you never saw her I figured she was probably dead.)  
  
"Okay Governor. I need two more names."  
  
"Victoria and Catherine. They were Mary's sisters."  
  
"Okay. Wedding."  
  
"Well a church of course. Where else would you get marry in?"  
  
I grinned. I'm going to have so much fun with this one. "You could be married by The King himself, Elvis."  
  
"King Elvis? Is he going to be the next King or something? Unusual name for a future King."  
  
"Uh, well, he's the King of Rock actually. But still a King nevertheless."  
  
"Well then if he's a King then of course!"  
  
"You need one more. How about in front of a wig-making company? After all, sir you seem to love your wigs."  
  
He pondered for a moment. "Alright as long there's a priest."  
  
"Dress color."  
  
"White and a pearl white."  
  
"There's more than one shade of white? How do you people know this? Okay one more."  
  
He shrugged.  
  
I sighed. "Lime green is very fashionable in this time of year so I highly recommend it."  
  
After giving me an okay, I wrote it down. "Tux."  
  
"Black and white."  
  
"Okay Governor I need three responses for each one and I'm not going to do the third one all the time for this. So what it will it be?"  
  
"Will did mentioned hot pink is popular in the future. I want that then."  
  
"It's your tux. Now you need a way of transportation."  
  
"Ship and a carriage. Uh, Heather I need some help on the last one."  
  
"BMW is very sweet. So I'll put that down and that'll be last from me."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Color for them then."  
  
"Red, blue, and black."  
  
"Kids."  
  
"One, three, and six."  
  
"Good job! Jobs."  
  
"Governor then since I am the Governor. I always wanted to be the next Prime Minister and possibly Duke."  
  
"Big dreams I see sir. Budget."  
  
"500000, 7 million, and a penny."  
  
"Pets."  
  
"I don't really like having pets in my house. So you have to do then for me, but it'll be the last time I swear."  
  
"This is what you're going to have: monkey, gummy worm, and a boa which is aka a ferret!" (A/N: One year in my tap class we had to wear boas. We were a little hyper and so we started calling them ferrets.)  
  
"If you say so then," he said giving me a strange look.  
  
"Now sir, this is very important so don't get in my face about it. Sex life."  
  
His eyes got so huge that I swore I could see them popping out.  
  
"I see you don't want to talk about it so I'll put them down for you."  
  
Scribbling them down I told him the next one was what kind of wig he wanted.  
  
"I like curly wigs, and long ones, and short ones. The short ones remind me of my youthful days," he chuckled.  
  
"Now color for your lovely wig."  
  
"White, brown, and gray."  
  
"Now for the last one. This one is something that everyone is dying to know! Are you obsessed with wigs?"  
  
"No! Why would you think that?"  
  
"Well, when the pirates were attacking the Dauntless, one of them took your wig and you fought back to get it. That's why sir."  
  
"Oh. Maybe . . . don't tell anyone, but I do love my wigs. So yes then."  
  
"And could I please pick the last one? I have a good one!"  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"BIG TIME!"  
  
~Finding them out~  
  
"Governor this is your future: living in a mansion, marrying Victoria, married at a wig-making company, a white dress, a black tux, a carriage, blue it is, one kid, you're going to be Prime Minister, a penny, the boa aka ferret, comfortable for your sex life, short wig, color is gray, and you are yes indeed obsess with wigs. What do you think?"  
  
"That was so much fun! Maybe, I could you have your other gift then?"  
  
"I thought you would asked." I got up and took out a small, fat box from the bottom of the cushion of my seat.  
  
"Here."  
  
He accepted the gift and tore it opened. It was . . . a short, gray wig!  
  
Tears slightly formed in his eyes. "I love it," he whispered.  
  
TBC........................  
  
Next is Mr. Gibbs! Please I need some ideas for names of wives and maybe a little background info on how he knows them. That will be terrific! REVIEW! 


	3. Gibbs

A/N: Sorry it took so long but I've been busy with a lot of things and I kept putting this off.  
  
After the party was over and the guests retired to their respectful rooms, some of stayed up for a while longer. Guess who!  
  
"I can't believe it! I simply can't believe you M-A-S-H my father!" Elizabeth cried with laughter.  
  
"Aye lass! Marrying his wig, eh? No offense Liz but yer father certainly loves that ratty old thing. Those things are hot an' itchy!" Jack said.  
  
"Jack, have you worn one?" Will asked.  
  
Jack looked around nervously. "Aha! Guilty as charge! So what was the occasion Jackie?" I teased.  
  
"First off: don't call me Jackie. I'm no wench. And it was no special occasion. It was life and death."  
  
I nodded. "So what you're saying it that you had to wear a wig in order to live? Now I heard everything!"  
  
"Well ye weren't there. That's when I 'impersonated an officer of the Royal British Navy,' "Jack mocked in a snooty British accent.  
  
I covered my mouth to hold in the laughter. We talked for another hour or so and went our separate ways. I was going with Jack to the Pearl. One of the guests wasn't capable to go home so he crashed in my room. It didn't bother me in the least.  
  
"So lass ye have yer choice of me quarters or the crew's. So what would it be?"  
  
"Hmmmm tough question. Should I stay with a drunk or a bunch of sex crazed and deprived pirates? Duh Jack!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Thought I give ye a choice," Jack shrugged.  
  
Inside, of course, was one bed. Jack didn't have to say anything so he took out an extra sheet and pillow and placed them on his desk.  
  
"Ye can have the bed and I'm sleeping in me chair, savvy?"  
  
I felt bad. I was kicking him out of his own bed! "Look, Jack this is your room. You should have the bed and I can have the chair."  
  
He shook his head. "No Heather. Yer me guest and a lady for that matter so ye get the bed."  
  
"No I want you to take the bed."  
  
"No, ye have it."  
  
"No, you!"  
  
"Ye!"  
  
"You!"  
  
It went on for another 5 minutes and so I got the bed by Captain's orders as Jack put it. We weren't tired yet so Jack and I talked about the party. Some of Jack's crew was there, but I didn't remember seeing Gibbs.  
  
"Hey Jack wasn't Gibbs invited?"  
  
Jack nodded. "I think he might have passed out and dat's why he wasn't there."  
  
An evil plan hatched in my head just then. But Jack said it aloud first. "Why not ye go and M-A-S-H me first mate? I wouldn't mind seeing his results."  
  
"I could but I don't have my notebook or pen," I told him.  
  
"Ol' Jack here to the rescue!" He opened one of his drawers at his desk and pulled a couple of sheets and feather pen. He handed the materials to me.  
  
I wrote down the questions that I would ask Gibbs. Jack was looking over my shoulder and then went, "Ye don't have sex life on there."  
  
"Jack, I'm sixteen and I still have some more years left in me. I just don't want the image of Gibbs having any kind of sex branded in my memory forever, savvy?"  
  
"Oh I see." He scratched his head. "But why did ye ask me?"  
  
"Shut up," I said.  
  
Jack smirked. "I get it now."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "In your dreams pirate. So where can I find Gibbs?"  
  
"Down with the crew, but I'll be escorting ye down. Don't want ye to get tangled up with me crew."  
  
We got to Gibbs cabin and when we entered, Jack was right. Gibbs was sprawled on the floor with a bottle of rum in his hand. Too bad for him that the rest of the drink was on the floor.  
  
"Wait a sec," Jack said and left. He came back with a bucket of water and tossed it on him.  
  
Gibbs woke up with a start. "Mum I don't wanna go! Wait." He looked up at us. "Yer not me mum and da."  
  
"I hope not," I said. Jack snickered.  
  
"Then why ye wake me up? Bad luck to wake a man who's been sleeping," Gibbs rambled.  
  
"We know mate," Jack said. "Heather here's wants to M-A-S-H ye."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"M-A-S-H," I repeated. I went over the rules of how it was done and Gibbs understood about half of what I said.  
  
"Just go with it," Jack told him.  
  
We all sat around in a circle as the exquisite torture began (for me that is):  
  
"Wives."  
  
"Um, I don't have any lass," Gibbs said.  
  
"Names if ye want to marry," Jack explained.  
  
"Oh! Well, um, Plum and AnaMaria and Scarlet."  
  
"AnaMaria? And Plum the head bartender at Land Of Rum in Tortuga? That Plum?" Jack asked.  
  
Gibbs shrugged. "I like women that are feisty and Plum is."  
  
"What about AnaMaria and Scarlet?" I asked.  
  
"Ana's tough despite she's a woman and pretty. Scarlet slapped the hell out of Jack so she has spunk."  
  
I started cracking up when Jack's face turned bright red. Man, I wished I had my camera for that sight!  
  
"Okay, Gibbs. Where would you want your wedding to be held?"  
  
"A ship lass. A pirate has to be wed on board a ship. And I guess if yer woman is devoted to her religion then a church but for me nothing beats a bar!"  
  
"Dress color."  
  
"White, black, and red," Gibbs replied. "My favorite colors."  
  
"Tux color."  
  
"Black, blue, and grey."  
  
"Okay car, err, I mean mode of transportation."  
  
Gibbs responded with a ship, sailboat, and a carriage. He thought carriages were nice looking.  
  
"Color then."  
  
The reply: brown, baby blue, and green (by me).  
  
Pet was up next.  
  
"A parrot, cat, and dog. Manly animals!"  
  
"Job."  
  
"First mate, captain (one day), and commodore. I'll show Norrington how to do it right!"  
  
"Okay Gibbs we have money."  
  
He said 2 million, 100 thousand, and 5 hundred thousand.  
  
"Kids sir."  
  
"I don't like them. But maybe three, two, and it better be zero!"  
  
"Gender if you did."  
  
"All girls, all boys, and one of each I suppose."  
  
"Last question: Are women really bad luck?"  
  
"Hell yes they are!"  
  
"But look at Liz and Ana. Did they really bring bad luck to you?"  
  
"Well, not really. What that is what I was told!"  
  
Shaking my head, I went to four and started figuring Gibbs life out. Jack was growing ever impatient and was literally bouncing out of his seat!  
  
"Gibbs this is your life:  
  
Living in a mansion,  
  
Scarlet is your wife,  
  
Wedding held at a church,  
  
Red wedding dress,  
  
Black tux,  
  
Ship,  
  
A green one,  
  
Parrot but make sure he can talk so everyone understands,  
  
First Mate,  
  
$500,000,  
  
No kids,  
  
If you did then they would be all girls (Gibbs cursed himself. He still thinks girls are bad luck),  
  
And according to this women are bad luck, but we know they're really not."  
  
Gibbs wanted to keep his list so I gave it to him. Jack and I left him to head back to the captain's quarters.  
  
We're we ever tired! We went inside and Jack went to the chair and me to the bed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day as I closed my eyes. I planned on having Barbossa as my next victim.  
  
TBC......................  
  
Thank you Toya and Chica from San Diablo for the ideas! I really needed them! Stay tune for the next chapter starring Barbossa! Muhahaha! 


End file.
